Today, I had an epiphany. I know what I’m doing in Tech school. You see, I thought it was all kinda pointless, knowing that as long as I follow proper procedures, I can do my job. But it’s not just that. I understand what it is to perform my job with the uniform. The uniform and it’s meaning is who I am to become; a functioning member of a larger unit, someone who can keep his cool during the worst moments, someone who will keep his eye on the mission, and the goal ahead of him and his team. Although I’m not quite there yet, I’m working on it. I’m part of controlled chaos, everything is changing around me and everyone around me, and now that I’m still early in my career, I understand that I will get stronger along with those I came to know and those I’ve yet to meet. I’ve found new motivation.
I’ve been pretty alright recently, but I’ve come to an extremely harsh conclusion. I’m in a new area, with new opportunities, new people and new life to learn. Everything has changed so much, the thought of coming home scares me. I find myself still trying to keep my ties to Virginia, however, I’m not there anymore and time keeps them moving forward. Why should I keep trying? I’m just another forgotten face to everyone. They all have their own lives. Why should I keep trying to push myself in their face? Maybe I should just forget them. I can’t forget who I am, or where I came from, nor all the people I’ve encountered twined with the lessons they taught me. But maybe I should leave those memories behind. Should they come back, would be nice, but I won’t count on it.
Class, good lord, those things are getting to be a pain in my ass. SO MUCH to take in. But it doesn’t help that I have so many things on my mind to begin with. To be honest, I’m terribly homesick, not to an extent where I’ll do something retarded, but it’s like when my mind has a second to rest, I can just picture driving down those country roads. It’s crazy knowing how much has changed in MY life over the course of 3 months and to think that I may not be able to see it again. I haven’t even really considered whats changed over there. Not to mention I miss my friends like crazy, from Virginia AND BMT. It’s like making two families and you get ripped from both of them. Swing shifts are convenient and all, but I do really appreciate the time with my friends. I dunno. My mindset at the moment: “Yea, it sucks, I do miss everyone, but I have to keep my focus on my studies, so I can make it in life”
Seriously though. I’m starting to think I’m getting on people’s nerves. Why? Because I annoy the hell out of myself. That’s saying something. I need to chill out and eat a brownie or something -_- OH WAIT! I’m gonna go get some tea tomorrow l ^.^ l
Today was such a weird day. I didn’t much of sleep last night, considering I kept waking up every hour on the hour, then to add on to that, some guy barges into my dorm at 2 in the morning, asking if I was still on ITP -_- (this is the second time this had happened) then he stamped my paper and ran off. I hate ropes sometimes. Other than that, I woke up at 8, found out there wasn’t any PT, so I passed right back out and woke up at noon like a bum. I ran to the BX to pick up some paper plates, notecards, and what not. I met up with Amber, and tried to cheer her up. I can only try though :/ Afterwards, I went to class and then had a long talk with Amber. She put a lot of things into perspective, as of my recent problems. It was a real eye opener. It sucks thinking about it, but it had to happen. It’s nice to have friends to lean on, and even though she might not notice, it helped a lot. I was seeing it in my own perspective, but not really seeing it in another’s eyes, and that’s something I really need help in. But that’s my lesson of the day, and goal to work on for the work. I just finished making notecards for my class, and now it’s time to rest my pretty little head for tomorrow :) Nighty night world!
Third day in a row. Texas is so unforgiving. It’s freezing here. I thought it was supposed to be hot. Whatevs. Still working my stuff. Block test on Friday. So…. Study!
Today, I woke up and found myself doing my own pt. I jogged nearly three miles and did a handful of push ups and sit ups. After that I decided to go to the Loft and study. I am beginning to see a healthy habit developing within me. And at the same time, I’m also remembering my strength. This is my path to recuperatio. Nothing can hold me back.
For those of you who have been following my breakdown, i’m coming to a closure. Sure I’m still hurt, but I need to learn from it. As I see it at the moment, I’m in a new place, and I need to start my life in front of me. Sure it was a devastating blow to my emotions, and yes, I will definitely have a plethora of trust issues, but there’s a lot to learn from it. I thought that I could handle another long distance relationship, and keep a girl who was still in high school, despite what she wanted in life. I will miss her, but I wish her the best in finding what she wants. But what’s important for me at the moment is finding my future, and I doubt I can find anything good by keeping my focus on the past. Besides, I still have some pretty awesome friends, they came to me in my time of need, but i completely forget them because I was so obsessed with this one girl. Today I realized that, along with my friends and family, I have a new family waiting for me out there, and they’re all around me. I have the family of the Air Force. Brothers and Sisters with the same mission, ready to take on lifes challenges as a team. I plan on Flying high into the blue, and taking on everything life has to throw at me. but for now, I need some sleep. AND FOR THOSE WHO TRY TO CONTACT ME FROM 2-12 at night, I’m at school, so I’m terribly sorry for not responding.
It’s been a week and nothing has been getting better. I can’t keep pretending that I’m going to be fine. I know I’m strong, but we’re talking about a part of my life that I was actually dependent on, and then it was ripped away from me. This isn’t good. Not at all. It’s been a week and I haven’t been able to eat, sleep or even behave properly. I’ve only been able to stomach one meal a day, that’s if I even remember to eat. My friends notice that my behavior is completely changed, they say that I sound completely depressed. But lately my sleep went out the fucking window. Every night gets worse. It started out waking up with just a headache, but now it’s jumping out of bed screaming. Last night, my roommate warned me, telling me that I wouldn’t wake from my screaming fit, and that I haven’t been getting any better. I’ve developed night terrors and it’s all about the same thing. It replays in my head every fucking night and I can’t fucking take it anymore. How many times do I have to relive it? I can’t keep pretending. I’m not alright. If this keeps up, I could potentially be discharged from the Air Force.